When I was 10 years old I beat other kids up. This didn’t happen under an oak tree after sixth-period, if I ever made an arrangement like that I’d most certainly not be alive to tell the tale. No, this took place in a much more unpleasant setting, with pits of spikes and pools of acid.

It was 3:30 and I was over at my friend Jamie’s house. He had all the essentials for the perfect after school hang-out: Sega Genesis, two controllers, RF adapter, and Tostino’s pizza rolls (complete with a mother to cook them)…