Submitted by Karolyn McKenzie

Years ago, in an moment of reality T.V. foresight, TYCO produced an incredible franchise of five tiny identical dolls called “Quints.” Quints looked two months old but had about ten years of hair. Seriously, it was out of control, but incredibly fun to style. Each doll also had it’s own special color that coordinated across the Quints’ “Special-for-5 House.” I’m still not sure why Jon and Kate designed their own mansion when TYCO built the model for a “multiples dream house” 15 years ago. Seriously, TYCO, you could have saved a marriage. In addition, I always pretended that Quints were Barbie’s babies; which makes sense considering Ken’s lack of a penis.  Everyone knows Barbie is a desperate bitch, eager to try any career, hobby, or vacation spot. Why wouldn’t she turn to artificial insemination when Ken shot her blanks, I mean, had no gun at all?