Dear Disney Channel,

Once upon a time you created original content not containing oversexed tweens in sitcoms with synergistic music deals. This was a glorious time. The bizarre yet incredibly entertaining Mother Goose Rock ‘n’ Rhyme was your crowning achievement. Now all I have left of this fish-eyed lens, rock-opera nightmare are fuzzy memories that still delight and haunt me to this day.

In case you’ve been too busy counting your Hannah Montana money and forgot this lost gem, allow me to refresh your memory. In 1990, Shelley Duvall brought her shoddy production values over from Faerie Tale Theatre and applied them to the world of nursery rhymes. The TV movie was a who’s who cast of popular 80’s musicians that no one cares about anymore. Rock ‘n’ Rhyme featured the talents of Cyndi Lauper (Mary Had a Little Lamb) ZZ Top (Three Men in a Tub), Pia Zadora (Little Miss Muffet), Ben Vereen (Itsy Bitsy Spider) and the always kid friendly Bobby Brown (one of the Three Blind Mice).

The story had something to do with Mother Goose (All In The Family’s nasally Jean Stapleton), who had gone missing while her rhymeless straight-edged son, Gordon, tried to find her with the help of Duvall’s Little Bo Peep (who resembled what I imagine hookers to look like in Candyland). The two of them set out to solve this mystery in the world of Rhymeland which was aesthetically assembled from every 80’s music video cliche mixed together. Hell, the sight of this world would even induce Peter Gabriel to vomit in green-screened, claymation technicolor.

The mind numbingly catchy songs are still hard to shake. Little Richard rocked one out as Old King Cole and introduced me to the concept of the jerry curl. Another classic was “Gordon, Why Don’t You Come Out and Play?” by the mysterious metal band, The Dank, who were kind of like Gwar, but for children. Even the Brian Setzer Orchestra (as Georgie Porgie’s band) got to perform a number before they disappeared into the footnotes of terrible music trend history.
I beg you, Disney Channel. Dig deep into your now gold plated vaults and find it in your heart to release this odd treasure on DVD. Give me proof that these weren’t just the fever dreams of a child hopped up on one too many Ecto-coolers. Take me back to Rhymeland because I don’t think I ever truly left.

Sincerely yours,
The seven-year-old inside of me